I must not Twitter during Doctor Who.
I must not Twitter during Doctor Who.
I must not Twitter during Doctor Who.
I must not Twitter during Doctor Who.
I must not Twitter during Doctor Who.
I must not Twitter during Doctor Who.
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Dumbing down?
I know that social websites have to cater for the lowest common denominator but I have to wonder whether anyone who needs to be told “You are online now” is really cut out for life on the internet.
Last mention for a while, honest
Stopping smoking would be even easier if there weren’t so many bloody Nicotinell adverts on the television!
England goes smokefree
We have an intranet at work which features internal “news” stories. One of the articles which appeared yesterday or today was about the impending smoking ban in England.
Fair enough, but there were a couple of phrases which made me think “Eh? That can’t be right, can it?”
The first of these was the reference to legally required “No smoking” notices and stickers. If it’s going to be illegal to smoke indoors at a place of work, why on earth is there any legal requirement for “No smoking” signs? I wonder which Labour party minister holds a directorship of a signage firm?
The second sentence refers to cars - it reminded managers that they have to ensure that personal cars being used on company business comply with the law.
Hang on. So if a smoker is driving about in his own car he can smoke away to his heart’s content, but if he’s travelling in his own car but on company business he can’t smoke? That’s just a little nonsensical, isn’t it? Does it, I wonder, make any allowance for drivers of convertibles?
It doesn’t affect me, of course - this stopping smoking lark’s a piece of cake - but it’s a ridiculous situation if it’s true.
Lionel vs ShittiBank
It’s my own fault, I suppose. It can’t be ShittiBank’s fault can it?
Allow me to explain.
I’m trying to upgrade my Flickr account to a pro account. Easy enough, you’d think, but you’re not taking into account the bloodymindedness of ShittiBank’s overzealous security department.
I entered the card details and pressed “continue” only to get the message:
There is an error in the payment method information. Please check the information and re-enter it or use another payment method. If the problem persists, please contact Yahoo! Customer Care.
I checked the information and re-entered it (because it was correct the first time). Again I see:
There is an error in the payment method information. Please check the information and re-enter it or use another payment method. If the problem persists, please contact Yahoo! Customer Care.
Grrrr. I seem to recall a problem with this bloody credit card when I was buying the monster lens from WarehouseExpress. Unfortunately, flickr doesn’t offer another suitable payment method. I cursed ShittiBank and - as if my magic - the telephone rang.
“Good afternoon. I am … from the security department of ShittiBank. Is this Mr d’Lion?”
“It is.”
We established my identity before the strange conversation continued.
“I am calling to verify two payments to Yahoo! Wallets were made by you.”
“There weren’t any payments because the website claims there was an error with my details. No payment was made.”
“That is correct. Was this payment for one dollar?”
“No. There was no payment.”
“Yes, but if there was a payment would it have been for one dollar?”
“No. It would have been for $24.95.”
“I see.”
“Can I just clarify something? You’ve just called me to verify that I tried to make payments but failed.”
“That is correct.”
“This means that the transaction got as far as your systems.”
“Yes.”
“And it was then refused. Did ShittiBank decline these payments?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“The security department monitors your account and blocks any suspicious transactions if we believe there is a possibility of fraud.”
“You think I’m committing fraud?”
“No, not at all. We believed there was a possibility that someone else was committing fraud.”
“Oh, ok. But you’re now satisfied that I am the cardholder and that I am trying to make this payment?”
“Yes I am. Thank you very much.”
I use my credit card so infrequently it would seem that I triggered some sort of stupid alarm. Never mind.
I give the idiot a few minutes to update their ShittiSystems and then return to flickr.com. Oh for fuck’s sake:
There is an error in the payment method information. Please check the information and re-enter it or use another payment method. If the problem persists, please contact Yahoo! Customer Care.
I ring ShittiBank and eventually get through to someone who is as human as their staff gets.
“How may I help you?”
“I’m trying to make an online payment but your security department is blocking this. I want to know why.”
“How do you know that our secu…”
“Because your security department rang me to verify that I was the cardholder and that I was trying to make the payment and they’re still blocking the payment.”
“Oh. Can you hold while I speak to the security department?”
“Oh yes. I’ll be very interested to hear what they say.”
A few minutes pass.
“Mr d’Lion?”
“Yes.”
“I have spoken with my colleagues in the security department and they have confirmed that they spoke to you.”
“Did they also confirm that they have blocked my attempts to make payment?”
“Yes, they did.”
“Good. How do I make this payment, then, if the security department is going to block every attempt I make? Does this card even work online?”
“Oh yes, the card works online.”
“I only ask because I seem to recall having the same problem the last time I tried to use the card online. In fact, I don’t recall ever being able to make a payment online using this card.”
“I think it is because the card is not used very often that the security department are monitoring payment.”
At this I may have raised my voice a little.
“THEY’RE NOT MONITORING USAGE - THEY’RE PREVENTING USAGE! THE CARD CAN’T BE USED VERY OFTEN BECAUSE YOUR SECURITY DEPARTMENT BLOCKS EVERY PAYMENT I TRY TO MAKE WITH IT.”
There was silence at the other end of the line. I lowered my voice.
“Sorry about that. This is rather frustrating. Can you explain to me how I can use this card to make an online payment?”
“You’ll have to speak to the retailer.”
“‘Speak’ to the retailer?”
“Yes. They will be able to put through a manual transaction.”
“I see. So what you’re saying is that the way for me to make an online payment is to make a payment over the phone.”
“Yes.”
“Not online.”
“No.”
“So how do I make an online payment with this card? Do you understand why I’m getting a little annoyed here?”
“I do. I will check with the security department. Can you hold?”
“Oh yes.”
She wasn’t away as long this time.
“I have spoken to the Security Department and that have confirmed that a manual transaction will be authorised.”
I took a deep breath.
“Ok, then. So we’re basically agreeing, then, that there is no point in my having this credit card if I ever want to use it online because your security department will block any online payment because it thinks they’re suspicious.”
“I cannot do anyth…”
“I’m not asking you to do anything other than confirm that what I’m saying is correct. Will the security department continue to block any online payment because I’ve not made many online payments before?”
“I cannot say.”
“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’. Right. I’ll have to make my online payment by phone, then. Ridiculous.”
“Is there anything else I can help you with today, Mr d’Lion?”
“You haven’t exactly helped me with my original query so I doubt you can help with anything else. Oh, wait. There is one question.”
“Yes?”
“Is this security department part of ShittiBank or part of Visa?”
“We are employed by ShittiBank.”
“I was wrong, then. You have helped me. I now know that if I change my card provider I will be able to get an acceptable level of service. Thank you, thank you so much.”
“But …”
“Can I just stop you there? Unless you are about to tell me that you can personally guarantee that the next time I try to use my card online it will be accepted, our conversation is over. There’s nothing left to discuss. Were you about to offer me that personal guarantee?”
“No.”
“Good afternoon, then.”
“Good afternoon.“
And once more …
I hope you didn’t get too attached to that last theme, it was only ever going to be a temporary stage.
Now this one I like. 
Rom n Joolz 4 teh 00s
Missed me? On second thoughts don’t answer that. What are you up to this weekend? Want to meet the new smoke-free me?
Hi yeah i have honest! Hows your hols what u been up to? Sorry really busy this weekend. In kent tom and london sun. U given up completly
Hopefully. Haven’t smoked for over 6 days and have no intention of starting again (fingers crossed). Just need to lose a pound or two and you’ll not be able to resist me.
Well good 4 u! If u need to eat t take mind of smoking eat fruit! I guess u never no!
Ooh! That was a lot more positive than I was expecting! Fruit (and veg) it is, then, for as long as it takes. Have a great weekend. X
—–
To tell the truth I’ve been very conscious of an urge to smoke today for some reason but all of a sudden my resolve’s been stiffened.
Hang on - that sounds smuttier than was intended.