Britain’s dumbest criminal?
You have to laugh. Given that he’s “an illiterate man of no fixed address” I have to wonder why the tattoos weren’t somewhere he could see and then copy for when he had to fill in forms …
You know you’re unfit when …
… coughing means you’ve pulled muscles in your belly while coughing has pulled muscles in your neck.
Hmmm. I wonder where Gordon comes on this …
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[via Croila]
They came, they drilled, they went
The chaps turned up before I’d run out of towels, drilled a hole in a kitchen cabinet and fixed the leak.
That was the good bit.
It didn’t cost me anything because of that two free months’ cover that Angular Water gave me, too.
That was the excellent bit.
Then they told me the internal pipework had to be condemned because it’s in a shocking state. All of it.
That was the not-so-good bit. In fact, a rude word may have slipped my lips at this point. Appropriately enough, it rhymed with “duck”.
I am adrift!
Hello again. Remember me? Short, fat bloke with inappropriate fixations? Yep, that’s the one.
How’ve you been? I’ve been fairly busy, thanks.
I had an unpleasant surprise when I walked into the kitchen this morning - a layer of cold water rather took me by surprise and I soon found myself looking up at the ceiling and saying “ow” as my heels slid away from under my considerable frame.
Eek!
Mindful that Lyle’s suggested plumber was described as “good but slow”, I felt I needed someone “mediocre but speedy” and so asked my nice neighbours if they could recommend someone. They did, and Lazlo was here within 10 minutes. He was only here for 20 minutes, though, as he diagnosed that “ze fault eet ees wiz ze mainz below ze cock”.
Bugger, I thought to myself.
But then I remembered a previously-irritating piece of junk mail from Angular Water. As I recalled it said something about free mains cover for a couple of months. Now when did I get that?
Amazingly - truly incredidbly - I knew where said letter was and frantically scoured the text for dates and exclusions. Excellent - I’m within the free period!
So I’m currently waiting for someone to come along with a big drill, dig up my kitchen floor and fix the leak. Hopefully before I run out of towels. I’ll update you on the excitement later. Honest.
Um
“Chris Hoy. Well. He almost made Mickael Bourgain in the first race look like a total amateur.”
- BBC Commentator
It’s the Olympics. Isn’t amateur status the whole point?
They are idiots
I sent off the duplicated order items yesterday and was dismayed to received yet another “despatched” email yesterday afternoon.
Surely they couldn’t be that stupid?
Of course they could - package number three arrived this morning. Well, sod it. I’m not sending that one back unless they pay the postage.
Bloody idiots.
Thonk once. Thonk twice.
I noticed a sign beside the road yesterday during my drive down (the A45, I think it was). It was intended as a reminder to car, van and lorry drivers coming off the dual carriageway A14 to be heedful of motorcyclists on what was about to become a single carriageway road.
In a clever stroke of genius, the letters “I” in the two word warning had been replaced with the silhouette of a motorcyclist, pitched at a slight angle to the vertical.
The problem was that the shape of the motorcyclist was slightly rounded, especially when compared to the other letters on the sign. Had the “T” “H” “N” and “K”, for example, been printed in a wide, bold typeface then the problem wouldn’t have arisen.
The problem? Oh, didn’t I say?
For the rest of the journey I was mindful to “thonk boke”. Not sure what that means, but I was thonking all the way.