rARsh!

Words of wisdom from the frozen north

‘im oop naeth sent me these pearls of wisdom with the message “Thought you might appreciate these”.

I think you might appreciate them too (although I disassociate myself completely from one or two^* of them).

• Tesco’s Employee of the Month is the prime example of being both a winner and a loser at the same time.
  Frosties are Corn Flakes for the working classes.
• A newspaper’s use of the word “controversial” increases exponentially with their desperation for something interesting to print.
• It is impossible to run over a pigeon. No matter how much you accelerate.
• Gay Men looking for sex? Reduce the likelihood of wasting your time chatting up straight men by just chatting up guys who have blue fairy lights on the winshield wipers of their cars or trucks.
• Note for chavs: Painting the rear brake drums of your Kevmobile bright red or yellow does not make your car look impressive and sporty. It merely highlights the fact that it is neither expensive nor powerful enough to justify rear disc brakes and thus makes the outsized spoiler and racing stripes even more redundant. Now get off back to Aldi – the shelves are looking bare.
• If you are male, 30+, and still live with your parents, there is a good probability that you are gay and work in a call centre.
• Ladies, when a man tell you you’re fat he means it.
• The little things in life should count. Teaching a midget maths, for example.
• You are never as funny as you think people think you are.
• If a man opens a car door for a woman either the car or the woman is new.
• Stories of impending snowfall are always accompanied by pictures of Highland cattle in a frosty field.
• Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
• There is only ever one monopoly commission.
• Nostalgia ain’t what it used to be.
• There”s a certain irony to the word ”Lisp”.
• ‘Nonsense’ is a posh word for ‘bollocks’.
• Ryanair: The ITV2 of aviation.
• Theres no place like home. (unless you live in a modern apartment/estate in which case next door is pretty similar).
• When you see the word ‘unlimited’ in an advert it will always have an asterisk next to it. Rather than waste time searching for the microscopic text that this is directing you to, simply assume that this means ‘not really’.
• Daytime TV is God”s punishment for throwing a sickie.
• It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.

^* i.e. whichever ones offend you – and there’s bound to be one.